Communication Guide for 2021 from Julia LMFT is no different than how to communicate in 2020. Of course, the context for many has COMPLETELY changed. As we are approaching the New Year and many of us resolve to lose some of the quarantine weight, or read more books, or wash hands more, why not focus on honing in on skills that can dramatically change all of your relationships and your life in general? Is communication really that important? Can communication really change my life? Yes, yes it can. It is part of what makes my job so rewarding and also frustrating.
Let’s dive into communication styles and the best way for you to communicate your needs to get what you want in 2021.
I use a metaphor to show clients what the different communication styles are. It takes place in a, hopefully, emotionally uncharged environment, of the office. You bring cookies to the office for a holiday party. They are quickly gobbled up. You save one for yourself. They are your favorite kind.
The following scenarios are based on someone coming up and asking if they can have your cookie. Let’s be clear, you have not resolved to be on a diet, and dammit, you want that cookie. Here is how the styles of communication can play out.
Passive Communication Style:
Co- Worker: Hey Julia, Wow these were so good, can I have this cookie?
Me: Sure, no problem, you take it. I wasn’t that hungry.
What happens in the Passive Communication here is that you lied. You deferred your needs and wants to the other person to avoid what you perceived to be an awkward situation in which you disappointed the other person. What really happens when you are communicating using the passive style is that you start building resentment, maybe having talking to yourself moments in your head about how mean that person was to even ask to eat the cookie, imagine scenarios of revenge of the cookie etc.
Passive Aggressive Communication Style:
Co- Worker: Hey Julia, Wow these were so good, can I have this cookie?
Me: Oh sure, Sheila take the cookie, it isn’t like they took me a day and a half to make. Just take it, I don’t care.
So, this is a big one. Passive Aggressive Communication is appears in many jokes this time of year, regarding moms and coming home for Christmas, and beyond the messaging that women in a certain generation were not fully approved of to communicate their feelings, it is accurate. Passive Aggressive is not directly aggressive but both parties leave the interaction feeling like they lost. Your co worker took the cookie but, you made remarks that made her feel bad for asking for something she wanted and you were resentful. This form of communication over time erodes relationships and is at its’ core dishonest.
Aggressive Communication Style:
Co- Worker: Hey Julia, Wow these were so good, can I have this cookie?
Me: NO! I worked all day making these and you selfish team of piglets gobbled them up and now I only have this one left, and dammit, I am going to savor it!
You lost it. Your co-worker is taken aback and you have made an unnecessary attack on your co worker and her request and the rest of your team. You will likely feel bad after this type of communication. What is worse, frequent aggressive communication is physiologically linked to high blood pressure and heart issues.
Assertive Communication:
Co- Worker: Hey Julia, Wow these were so good, can I have this cookie?
Me: You know what, I saved this one just for me! I was really flattered that the rest of them went so fast. Better luck getting a second next year!
You asserted that you were having the cookie, you thanked your co-worker for the compliment and there were no hard feelings. Why does it feel so hard sometimes to assert your feelings and needs? Sometimes it is a result of years of our environment and how we were raised. If we are used to not being heard, we find other ways to get what we want, and communicate indirectly.
This 2021 make the commitment to yourself to try to communicate assertively and get your needs met. I can help. Many of my clients, whether they are in recovery, are partners of those in recovery, or they suffer from betrayal or abuse, have the biggest problems asking to have their needs and wants met. We can make progress towards more healthy communication styles in the coming year. I hope the Communication Guide for 2021 from Julia LMFT helped give you the impetus to give me a call!