Many single people venture into the dating world with numerous questions. Some try out dating apps or try being set up by friends, only to have terrible experiences. Often I hear this frustration and field questions wondering what they are doing wrong. They are doubly cautious if they have ever been in a relationship with a sex addict or if they have ever been sexually addicted themselves. One of the first topics that come up is boundaries. Why are boundaries important? How does one set boundaries while dating, and how does one maintain boundaries while dating? Also, how does one communicate their boundaries in a new relationship or encounter? If you are single and dating, here are some things to consider on your journey, including the topic of boundaries.
1) Don’t try to fit their needs. Instead, see if they fit yours.
When people go on a first date, they want to be likable. They aim to make a good impression, often forgetting to explore if the other person is a good match. What ends up happening is that you are essentially trying to pitch yourself to the other person. Let the other person pitch to you. If you try to fit yourself into some arbitrary box for the other person, you end up losing yourself in the process. Prioritize your needs, no one else will do that part for you. If your requirements are met, then you can proceed to see if you meet the other person’s requirements. You don’t necessarily want to talk about your checklist for a mate (that may be intimidating), but you can ask engaging and poignant questions to get to know the other person and to gauge if they are on the same wavelength as you. For example: Outside of work, what do you value? Have you ever been in a long-term relationship before and how did it go for you? What 3 words would you use to describe yourself? How do you see yourself as a partner in a relationship? What do you view as your purpose in life?
2) Be present.
First dates come with lots of self-consciousness, which is a huge distraction. Did I dress appropriately for the location? Do I have food in my teeth? Do I seem nervous? Am I talking too much? Get all of that in check before you walk into the date. This will allow you to really focus on how you feel when you are with this person. For instance, is the person making you feel bad about yourself with their underhanded compliments (are they negging you? If you don’t know what this is, refer to a great book on this topic titled “The Game” by Neil Strauss)? Do you feel like you have their undivided attention? Do you feel respected by the other person? Do you feel like you’re having to come up with things that will impress the other person rather than just being yourself? Pay attention to these cues because they can be indications of emotional unavailability, narcissism, or just a bad match.
3) Detach from outcomes.
If you come into the first date asking yourself if this person is going to be “the one”, you will get hung up on creating a specific outcome for yourself rather than just exploring if the person is a pleasure to spend time with today. Your interaction with this person may end after the first date, the fifth date, after 2 years of dating, or in marriage. Who knows? Regardless of the outcome, interacting with another person romantically is a great way to learn about yourself. Make that your goal in the interaction. Pay attention to how you feel about yourself when you are engaging with another person and see what comes up for you. This makes dating less about finding a mate, and more about discovering your own truth, your needs, your insecurities, and your blind spots. This is a healthier exercise than scouting for a spouse; in other words, examining and holding your own eggs rather than trying to see if the basket in front of you can hold all of them.
4) Uphold your personal boundaries.
Everyone has boundaries and everyone is entitled to maintaining those boundaries. You may prefer to meet at the designated location to not disclose your home address to a stranger, or you may have a 3 month waiting period before engaging in sexual activity, or you may shy away from discussing politics on the first date – whatever your preference, those are your boundaries and they are all ok. If you find yourself feeling pressured to violate your own boundaries, consider this a giant red flag. You have every right to feel safe while dating, whatever that means to you. Do what you need to feel physically, emotionally or mentally safe, and do it unapologetically. Those who are a good match will be respectful and understanding. If you find yourself bending on your own boundaries, take a step back and examine what is making you feel the need to do so. Dating is a way to learn about yourself, and there is no better way to gain this type of insight than in the presence of another person who may push your buttons. We may become blinded to our attachment wounds or to our insecurities when we are alone. Considering the possibility of a new relationship can trigger some of these things bringing them to the forefront. Consider this a gift as it can give you an indication of where you need to do some more of your own work.
5) Have fun!
If dating feels like an ominous drag of an activity, you don’t have to do it! Maybe you’re not over your ex, maybe you are not ready to engage with another person on that level, maybe you just don’t feel like going. If it doesn’t feel enjoyable, don’t torture yourself. Dating should be the process of getting to know someone you find attractive and of learning about yourself. It shouldn’t be a chore. You can use it to discover new spots in your town, to make a new friend, to show off a new outfit, or to discover where you may need to do some further introspection. Whatever the purpose, it is FOR you, so only do it if it is something you want to do and can have fun doing.
If you are coming out of a relationship and are wondering if you are ready to re-enter the dating pool, or if you are just looking to meet someone new, dating can feel like uncharted territory. The best thing you can do is be aware of yourself and your wounds, be honest with others about your experience and your interpretation of that experience, and see what shows up in the process. The right person will be someone who is happy to show up for you in whatever way you need to make you feel comfortable, understood, valued, and respected. Those that are resistant to showing up for you in this way are letting you know that they are not a good match. But you have to do your own work to know what you need from your partner to feel all those things, and you have to be willing to let them go if they cannot give those things to you. Remember, being alone is much more peaceful than being in a bad relationship. So take your time with this process, and do what feels right for you. The goal is not to appease someone else, the goal is for you to be happy. So don’t accept anything less because you don’t deserve anything less.