Understanding External Validation? Do you have those friends who are always on dating websites? Always asking if they look ok? You may think they are fishing for compliments, and they are, but they are also asking for external validation. We are going to dive into the good, bad, and ugly of external validation.
Here are a couple of common, but not so obvious external validation examples.
People need affection. Sometimes clients feel their partners do not have enough physical contact and request reassurance for love through touch. This can be a request for validation.
People who love to be the center of attention. They want to make small talk, make people smile, want to be liked. This need to be charming and liked is also a poll for validation.
Covert External Validation: People feel upset and then withhold affection to get validation and attention. I see this a lot with couples who are recovering from betrayal. The person who commits betrayal will continuously say I love you or I’m sorry, and this can really trigger a partner. A betrayed partner may not want to reciprocate and these questions or statements feel like they are seeking insincere reassurance. Many times these betrayed partners require behavior changes from their partner and not words, that can appear empty and manipulative.
Hint: If you are the person who committed the betrayal, do not ask cliche questions or say words you do not mean. Think high impact, over I love you, or I’m sorry.
Why do partners need external validation?
If a partner is betrayed or the betrayed partner is trying to elicit a response from a partner, seeking external or covert validation is a common tactic. Often using generics like, I love you or I’m sorry, is not impactful. When you are serious about communication and regaining trust, be creative,
Seeking External Validation is Actually Unhealthy
This comes from a place of low self-esteem. Validation from another person is like a nuclear arms race, you are going to keep seeking it and those sources are not reliable. Building self-esteem cannot come from sources outside of yourself. If you are depending on others to make you feel good, you are at the whim of whoever is available to lift you up and they might not be there. Worse, if you rely on another person, you can be setting a precedent that is dishonest. It does not create good dynamics, it perpetuates low self-esteem.
What is Self Love and How do I build Self Esteem?
This is a journey and it takes consistent effort. It is related to how we lost our love for ourselves. We can disconnect from ourselves if you were abused, emotionally neglected, or feel unworthy of love, this can be really challenging. Try working on the first relationship, the relationship with yourself. You are in you for the long haul. Get to know yourself again. Nurture your likes and dislikes and accepting things you do not like about yourself. The more you accept yourself, the less you need validation from someone else.
If some of this rings true to you, then I encourage you to reach out and explore some of the resources on my site, listen to my podcast, or make an appointment and we can make a self esteem plan.
Sick of reading, want to actually listen to more? Listen to the partner podcast on UndressingtheIssue.com