What do you say to someone who is suffering? Depending on your own identity, past experience, or even frame of mind at the moment, you might simply ask “How are you doing?”, without having any idea of what can come next. If you have no experience with the trauma they are going through, you might be tempted to make suggestions based on what you have heard or read about the subject. If you do have experience in the trauma, you might want to offer advice on what helped you. If someone you know experienced this trauma and you spoke to them as well, you might want to try to fix it.
Guess what? None of those is really what your friend, family member, or loved one, needs. If you ask “How are you doing?”, then listen. How to listen and respond thoughtfully in a situation of trauma? We have some suggestions below. Since we are around many people at this point in time, whether you live in California and someone has lost a home in a fire, or lost a loved one to Covid, or is experiencing heightened stress in a complicated home relationship during a quarantine communicating with care is critical to maintaining relationships.
Active Listening: What not to say
Active listening is comprised of physical and nonphysical components. What do you say to someone who is suffering is often a recognition of what not to do and what to do instead. These may not all apply to your situation.
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Face the speaker and maintain eye contact: If you are dealing with anyone, trauma or no, give them your undivided attention, especially if you have asked them a question and even more important if they are in a trauma situation.
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Pay attention to non-verbal cues. If someone is rubbing their eyes or seems agitated, you do not have to continue in a conversation that makes them uncomfortable. If you sense that someone you are close with is in danger to themselves or in a situation with drugs that is a danger, please refer to our hotlines.
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Don’t Interrupt. Do not interrupt a persons train of thought and really consider why you would be interrupting if it is not to just to talk or project a feeling onto what they are saying. Let them finish their thoughts aloud.
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No planning what to say or judging. Do not plan what you are going to say or judge what the person in front of you is saying.
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Show physical signs that you are listing. Uh Huhs or nodding will do. Some signs of life that you are engaged with what they are saying. If appropriate in your relationship, you can express physical closeness with an outstretched hand and comforting hand on back.
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Lastly, ask questions and paraphrase what the person in front of you has said.
We have a communication guide that also has helpful tips.
What do you say to someone who is suffering, Appreciation vs Praise
If you are in confidence with a person, you may feel compelled to respond with more than nonverbal supports. Here is where you have some options and the most common would be to try to fix the situation, which is ill-advised unless you are a licensed therapist, even then this is a loaded proposition, or you might issue praise for how they are handling a situation, which unfortunately is also a judgment. So what to say is really hard. Whether you have recalled movies about traumas or you have a friend of a friend, comparison to anyone’s experience, even your own, is not really helpful. I recommend that you come from a place of appreciation. Here is how.
Examples of Praise:
You are doing such a good job with dealing with all this.
I’m proud of you.
Example of Appreciation:
You have been there for me during X time, how can I help you now?
Be specific, come from a place of gratitude, and genuinely just asking if there is anything you can do for a person who is in pain is the appropriate response. We have a series of podcasts and resources that also address trauma on my blog, https://www.undressingtheissue.com/. If you are looking for help in how you help, there is also therapy for that. My doors are open. Contact me here.